Biopsy Results #2

In life, things happen that change our perspectives on things. We find out how tiny we really are. After having precancer found about 5 months ago, my perspective changed. I'd convinced myself that after a D&C and birth control that I'd still have precancer and thus have a hysterectomy. Nothing prepared me for the results I received. For me it was odd to hear the words YOUR HORMONE LEVELS ARE NORMAL AND SO ARE YOUR BIOPSY RESULTS. What????? There were no signs of precancer whatsoever. My first thought was, "How is this possible?" Then I thought, "This has to be a joke." I think I was in shock for a few hours. I was telling my parents and Branden's dad, but still couldn't believe what I was saying. I was totally prepared for a hysterectomy.

As a result of my results, I am going to start fertility drugs again next week. I'm not quite sure about that. I am not ready for the scheduling of everything, but so be it. Pregnancy is definitely an option, but I'm not getting my hopes up that it is going to happen. I've grown to know you can't expect anything because Heavenly Father will give you what you need, not always what you want.

Believe me, I am so very happy. I took a big sigh of relief. I still can't believe it. I know a lot of prayers were said in my behalf and I can't say thank you enough to everyone who was there for me. I feel a peace in my life that I've never felt before. The best word I can come up with for the whole situation is Humbling. I am so humbled by what we've been through.

Biopsy #2

So I returned to the doctor for biopsy #2. This one was so much worse than the first one. They took a large sample to make sure and check all for cancer cells. I am still cramping from the experience yesterday. Oh well, it had to be done!

So I've been going through the different scenarios of what could happen.

SCENARIO 1: Precancer cells turned cancerous and a hysterectomy has to be done immediately.
SCENARIO 2: Precancer cells still found, need to schedule hysterectomy.
SCENARIO 3: No cancer cells were found, start fertility drugs, have another biopsy in 6 months.
SCENARIO 4: No cancer cells found, continue weight loss, have another biopsy in 6 months.

My doctor was very positive, believing that no cancer cells would be present after the D&C and time. He wanted me to fill my prescription for fertility drugs right away. Me on the other hand, not so certain about it. I don't want to count my eggs before they're hatched. I'll wait for the biopsy results to make my final decision on what is going to happen in the future. I may or may not have a decision on what my future brings. Whatever happens, I know it's what the Lord has planned for me and my family.

I should have my results back on Monday this time instead of waiting 3 weeks for results and another to get into the doctor. I have a strange calm about me. I hate the unknown, but I'm not way scared either. Whatever happens, I can handle it with the love and support of my two guys. Branden was so very helpful yesterday. He stayed with me all day and helped out around the house. He's the one that keep me calm and positive. He has a calming force to him that helps me out a lot!

Anyway, I will post an update when I hear back from the doctor. Brax did get an update last week. His ear isn't completely healed. It is starting to seal over and no other problems that they can foresee. It's nice to have him back to normal.

Hiking at Zion's - President's Day weekend

President's Day weekend we were able to get a lot done. We got half the garden tilled, changed the fuel filter, went to Brax's basketball game, went out to yard sales, etc. It was quite busy. Branden's brother Brett, his wife Christal, and two of their kids (Brevan and Payton) came down to visit Sunday night. We had a good time visiting with them. They came down for the St. George Parade of Homes. On Monday, I decided to take the boys hiking after we took Macey to the vet. We got ready to go when Branden called and said that if we could wait a little while longer he'd be off work and could go along. I'd gotten a text right before that about play day at the park with women and children from the ward. We decided to go to the park for an hour, have a picnic, and then go hiking.

The boys decided they wanted to do 3 or 4 hikes. We kept asking if they were sure and they said they were. So we did a short hike to start off the day. We went to the Weeping Rock. It wept a little, but was mostly covered in icicles. The trail had quite a bit of ice on it. Brev, Brax, and I all fell on the ice at one point or another. They made it and were almost hit in the head by falling icicles. We got there when it was warming up. Following that we decided to go hike the Emerald Pools. We made it to all three. There was ice on the way to the Lower Pool so we decided to take the other way to the Grotto on the way back. The boys got tired toward the end and Brev had fallen in the mud so he was a little wet and cold. It was a fun day though. Following the hikes (about 4 miles total) we went through the tunnel. After the tunnel we headed home for frozen yogurt. The boys had fun and so did we.

Just an update, Brax returns to the doctor on February 29th and I have a biopsy scheduled for March 7th. I am getting nervous, but ready to find out the results.

Pinewood Derby

The Pinewood Derby was fun, but very time consuming. It didn't help that I had a sick kid and hadn't slept for two nights because I was up with Brax. That's okay though it's all about the boys. We had a concession stand, flags for the kids to create and cheer on their brothers, and an outlaw division for anyone who wants to participate. Brax had fun making his car. He designed and decorated it. He helped cut, sand, did the painting and decorating. He was so proud of his car. I thought it looked pretty awesome. He took 1st in two races and last in two. We tried to let him know that it was all for fun and he didn't have to win. I am proud of how he did and he actually got out of the house that day. After the derby he was exhausted and my two guys came home, ate dinner, and got ready for bed.

Infections

Poor Brax has had a rough time over the past week. Tuesday night he started complaining about his ear hurting after basketball. He only slept for about 5 hours that night. He got a little sleep before school and decided he felt well enough to go to school. At about 10:40 am I got a phone call from Brax that he didn't feel very good. I had a feeling I should get him a doctor appointment so in the process of getting ready to go and picking him up I called the doctor. We went in as soon as we could. He had blood coming out his ear before long. We went in and found out he had a two ear infections, a sinus infection, and his right ear drum had ruptured. Poor kid was so miserable. He slept after the doctor, but he moaned and groaned the whole time. She gave him some pretty heavy medications to help him be able to sleep. We also found out he has a pretty high pain tolerance level because they figure it ruptured a day or two before he complained of pain. He is feeling better though. I just felt bad because he still didn't feel well on Thursday and that was the day of his first Pinewood Derby. We do have to take him back on the 29th to make sure it healed over properly. If not he'll have to have a graft done.

Motivation

Sorry, all my posts are thoughts this week, Pinewood Derby to come next week. I know I talk to quite a few people about weight loss due to the fact that they've watched me over the past year. I get so many compliments and I appreciate all of the support. I'm back to it and just finished week 2 of my workouts. My motivation for my weight loss is to improve my life and also to be able to run around with my little boy while that's a cool thing. Over the past few months I have struggled with illness and didn't work out at all. I have had two cycles and finished series 3 of birth control yesterday. Series 1 and 2 I had weird cycles that were going on when they weren't supposed to. Series 3 the cycle was exactly what it was supposed to be. The only change was my exercising and weight loss. The ironic thing is it was going on during my break down. I know if I work out and exercise my body will take care of itself. I even had another pregnancy, it was a miscarriage but still I got pregnant. If because I'm working out I can prevent a hysterectomy that would be awesome. I even worked out while having the flu this week. I have become the crazy work out lady doing 2-3 workouts a day, but it's well worth it.

What is your motivation? When I'm fat, I'm tired and don't have a lot of energy and it's so very easy to stay there. I gave up for 7 years and made every excuse out there. The only way that anything changes is when you decide that you can do it. I decided I was tired of feeling fat, ugly, and tired all the time. Even if your goal isn't weight loss, you can do it as long as you're motivated enough to do so. If you have a support system, that helps as well. Words of encouragement definitely helps. For me posting my weight is important because people see it and it pushes me to get it down so people see a smaller number. What will keep you going? Find someone to check in on you. No matter your goal, you can achieve it as long as you're willing to work at it. Don't give up when something goes wrong, just keep working at it until you get to where you want to be.

The Adversary

A lot of thoughts that have been going through my mind over the past week. The adversary is cunning, sneaky, smart, and always trying to pull us down so we can feel misery like he does. He has been working so hard on me lately. All it takes sometimes is a little thought in your mind. I have been feeling out of place, that no one understands me. How many 29 year olds do you know that have struggled with infertility for 7.5 years and who also has precancer and a hysterectomy on their mind? Add a calling and being a mommy all into the fact and it can be overwhelming. I've just wanted someone who understands and I can talk to about things. In the mean time I have pushed my friends away and kind of become a hobbit in my house. All of this just making it worse. I finally broke down completely thanks to a chat with my dad. My dad is an amazing person who always knows just what to say and gives the best advice on what I should do. After a lot of prayer and crying, I've come to a conclusion. My friends and family may not know what I'm going through. They may not know when I'm having a hard time or that I need help. No matter what though, they are always there for me and they love me for who I am, faults and all. I also have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is always waiting to hear from me so He can help. It's funny how something so simple as getting on your knees and saying a prayer can change your whole state of mind. I'm grateful for the gospel in my life. I know I'm far from perfect, but am trying to be better. I'm thankful for the realizations I've come to over the last few days. This post is more for me to look back as a reminder to get on my knees.